This is a little montage dedicated to all my fun on Texas Tech roads. This is my typical day. Throw in some old people in the wrong lane and kids on bikes and that's pretty much accurate. Enjoy! Drive safe!
There are exactly 4 stop signs, 2 traffic lights, half a mile and 43 million coeds between my office on campus and my husband’s law school. 5:01. I pull out of my parking spot like an old grandma with cataracts because the boys behind me are talking intently about Tolstoy and don’t notice me…okay, so they’re oogling girls but fine. I’m out. Now the fun begins. I have to make it onto the road. My obstacle? A truck that Shaq would have to pole vault into. I creep to a stop and try to peer around its obese frame, inching, inching. Beep! Beep! Brake!
Inch, inch, look left, right, left again, left one more time, still can’t see, gun it! Whew! My lucky day. 5:04. Stop sign number one. Brake. Turn right, brake suddenly for coed texting on cell phone. Smile understandingly. Mother probably is in the hospital. Turn left onto uneven road. Stop sign. Accelerate. Stop sign. Accelerate. Brake! No stop sign…just coed walking in the street looking angry. Probably didn’t do well on a test. Calm, breathe. Touch gas, brake! Four way stop sign. Wait…wait, wave arm stupidly for guy in volvo on right. Yes, yes sir you got there .23 seconds before I did. Yes, you did. Go. No? Fine. Gas—Brake! Screeching from Volvo. Ga—Brake! No, no sir, go! Volvo go! Volvo eeks out and turns left. Accelerate forward. 5:07.
Stop light 1. Pull out book and get through first 9 chapters of Twilight. Green. Smile and pull—slam on brake! Coed crossing against light. Lick upper lip and tap hand on steering wheel. Probably had…something fast he needed to do. Accelerate and brake for bus now blocking way. Wait for no one to get off and…no one to get on. Tap steering wheel again in beat with music. Make it look nice and natural. 5:11. Let bus pull slooooowly out into traffic and through stoplight. Turn—brake! Wait for coed to cross against light. Let anger fester. Stamp foot on gas, fly around corner….brake at 22, no, 24 mph. Ha! 5:13. Tech Scientists did great job. 20 is perfect speed limit to test road rage limits. Slow enough to make you want to jump onto sidewalk and mow everyone down; not fast enough to make pedestrians flinch. Contemplate barreling through stream of coeds crossing…brake instead. 5:14. Vein in head pulsing. Law school in sight.
Sigh of relief. Turn left into parking lot—Brake! Streamers blocking route, woman pointing to detour with large teeth. Whip car around—seven point turn—turn right back onto main road. Turn left again…wait for second bus to offload, shock, nobody. Pull into parking lot. 5:17. Pick up frozen husband. Turn back onto real road for 20 minute drive home. Turn onto 40mph road with a sigh. Brake. Traffic. Vein explodes. Husband takes wheel.
Inch, inch, look left, right, left again, left one more time, still can’t see, gun it! Whew! My lucky day. 5:04. Stop sign number one. Brake. Turn right, brake suddenly for coed texting on cell phone. Smile understandingly. Mother probably is in the hospital. Turn left onto uneven road. Stop sign. Accelerate. Stop sign. Accelerate. Brake! No stop sign…just coed walking in the street looking angry. Probably didn’t do well on a test. Calm, breathe. Touch gas, brake! Four way stop sign. Wait…wait, wave arm stupidly for guy in volvo on right. Yes, yes sir you got there .23 seconds before I did. Yes, you did. Go. No? Fine. Gas—Brake! Screeching from Volvo. Ga—Brake! No, no sir, go! Volvo go! Volvo eeks out and turns left. Accelerate forward. 5:07.
Stop light 1. Pull out book and get through first 9 chapters of Twilight. Green. Smile and pull—slam on brake! Coed crossing against light. Lick upper lip and tap hand on steering wheel. Probably had…something fast he needed to do. Accelerate and brake for bus now blocking way. Wait for no one to get off and…no one to get on. Tap steering wheel again in beat with music. Make it look nice and natural. 5:11. Let bus pull slooooowly out into traffic and through stoplight. Turn—brake! Wait for coed to cross against light. Let anger fester. Stamp foot on gas, fly around corner….brake at 22, no, 24 mph. Ha! 5:13. Tech Scientists did great job. 20 is perfect speed limit to test road rage limits. Slow enough to make you want to jump onto sidewalk and mow everyone down; not fast enough to make pedestrians flinch. Contemplate barreling through stream of coeds crossing…brake instead. 5:14. Vein in head pulsing. Law school in sight.
Sigh of relief. Turn left into parking lot—Brake! Streamers blocking route, woman pointing to detour with large teeth. Whip car around—seven point turn—turn right back onto main road. Turn left again…wait for second bus to offload, shock, nobody. Pull into parking lot. 5:17. Pick up frozen husband. Turn back onto real road for 20 minute drive home. Turn onto 40mph road with a sigh. Brake. Traffic. Vein explodes. Husband takes wheel.
3 comments:
That's hilarious! It makes me grateful I only have to hit the SW corner of campus to get Jeremy - I used to have to go into campus to get Jeremy over the summer. Love the pedestrians, 20 mph speed limits (with the seizure-inducing lights to remind you of the speed limit), and the "long" stoplights. You encapsulated it perfectly!! :) Thanks for making my day!
Now Kelli, you should just know that the Texan drivers can sense that you are an outsider and therefore are going to try to do everything they can to make driving difficult for you. Once you have passed their tests and patiently endured their annoying habits of jumping in front of you and making what should be a short drive much more difficult, they will welcome you into their cult and give you a flag to proudly hang! (With the flag comes complete knowledge of who does not belong and information on how to drive them crazy)
still laughing.....wiping tear....IMing Sean to come read your blog....oops another tear...abs hurt......love ya!
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